Tell me a Nightmare

I wrote these film reviews when I was 14. Hire me to draw!

-Lillian Schrag

[Ignore the pub dates; as some were written on the same day, they are arranged here to be read in the order they were written, from the Innocents to Misery. These were actually composed from April through September 2021.

All the spoilers!]

The goal of Tell Me a Nightmare is to find the one horror movie that genuinely scares me. I watched a bunch of horror movies on Netflix. Some were creepy but not good, some were good but not creepy. I don’t want two hours of torture porn (Texas Chainsaw Massacre was good though) or just shock value. I’m looking for a movie that makes me feel like someone’s watching me.

It’s got to be scary but also at least good in two other categories. If it’s just scary but also a bad movie . . . I’m not asking for five out of five yogurt cups. I just want one that’s terrifying and good in at least one other way.

When I was a little kid, I was scared to close the closet door. I had to have a light on and a record on. Now I keep my room dark, and if the closet is open, it’s a little creepy, but . . .

I’m looking for a movie that makes me want to close my closet door before I can go to sleep.

My rating system is yogurt cups because vanilla yogurt cups are the best yogurt cups. Greek yogurt, lime yogurt? Yuck.

Five categories:Scary, Creepy, Disturbing, Suspenseful and Good.

Which movie do you think is the scariest?

The Innocents (1961)
Blair Witch Project (1999)
Jaws (1975)
Suspiria (1977)
The Shining (1980)

The Descent (2005)
Carrie (1976)
The Candyman (2021)
The Wickerman (1973)
Misery (1990)

The Innocents (1961)

I love the cinematography! It made it feel like it was a color film even though it was in black and white, it just seemed so well shot. The shadows were very striking. The gazebo scene in the rain. When the governess is wandering in the hall with the candle and it’s the only light flashing on the paintings on the walls! The sound design in that scene made those moments really eerie. In the greenhouse scene, where the ghost is behind Miles while he talks, the condensation on the window is really creepy. I love the composition of different characters in the background and the foreground. 

The film specialized in atmosphere. Isolation is the mood. In the big house, no one else was around; they hardly even show the other maids. It was interesting how Miss Gidden’s clothes changed. She wore lighter clothes when she was with Flora and darker clothes when she is with Miles. Maybe that’s because she believed Flora to be more uncorrupted. You’re not supposed to corrupt children. They’re supposed to be innocent; that’s how we as a society view them. When you change that, it feels new and strange and wrong. The actor who played Miles did an amazing job acting like a mature person in a child’s body. The way he leaned in the doorway like a certified dapper gentleman. Props to that kid, holy crap! 

With the candlelight, the eerie sounds, and the children whispering, the scene where she wanders the hall could be an image of Miss Gidden losing her sanity. I couldn’t decide because the ghosts did show up and the kids did act strange and different… or was that her perception?

A lot of religious fanatics are convinced that they need to purify and end up making things worse than when they started.

In the end, I couldn’t decide whether or not she was insane, if the ghosts were real, or if the whole thing was some metaphor. Ladies, this is what happens when a priest’s daughter gets horny. She destroys children. Watch out!

Scary: 3 

I thought the singing was chilling. The scene where she’s wandering through the halls, the lighting and sound design were so eerie. The gazebo scene with a ghost in broad daylight like the ghost thought she would win, while the rain was pouring down. Once, the ghost walks by, and the governess doesn’t seem to think anything of it. It’s like the ghost belongs.

Creepy: 3 

The song about the willow tree was very creepy. The candlelight, the children whispering. There was such a weird tension between the governess and Miles. There was some symbolism when they put their hands over the fire, but I don’t know what it is. The wilted roses are definitely a symbol of lost virginity. 

Disturbing: 2.5 

The whole atmosphere was disturbing. When Miles is choking the governess. The scene where Flora won’t stop screaming. I felt bad for the turtle. It didn’t deserve that.

Suspenseful: 3

The most suspenseful scene is where she wanders around the house at night. She keeps turning the corner and you think she’ll see something, but she doesn’t, again and again, so it keeps keeping you on your toes.

Good: 4 

It was good because of the cinematography, the sound design, and the overall eerieness of the atmosphere. It’s almost like it’s up to the viewer’s interpretation whether the ghosts are real or the governess is losing her sanity. When viewers argue with each other about their interpretations, you know the director really achieved that unsurety. 

I wrote these film reviews when I was 14. Hire me to draw. -Lillian Schrag

Blair Witch Project (1999)

It was kind of underwhelming. I know that a lot of people think it’s a good movie, so I don’t want to be harsh. I just expected it to be way scarier. I love found footage films, so it was good for that aspect. But I honestly was not scared at all, and I expected it to be way scarier based on what I had heard about it. 

The forest and the way they interact with each other was realistic. That was good. I thought it was realistic how much they argued. They kept arguing and wouldn’t shut up. It feels like a real interaction between friends. It’s annoying. That it was annoying is realistic! The forest was very realistic. It felt like a very desolate forest with fall leaves, rotting branches, and creaks.

It’s interesting because there might not have been a witch at all, but they scared themselves into delusions. Or maybe there was a witch and they just didn’t know what to do. It is scary to be lost in the woods with no way out! That’s just a stressful situation. 

It definitely felt like it was being shot on a camcorder. It did well at filming the woods the way a regular person would. There was no music at all. The concept of found footage of adults who went missing was a very clever idea that could be used more often. I thought it was a great example of what a “found footage” film should be like. It was just underwhelming for a fan of a more scary film. 

Scary: 1
She finds a bag with a tongue in it and that’s the scariest part of the movie. That’s it. I’m sorry, I just didn’t find it that scary.

Creepy: 2
They were stuck in a forest with no way out and you could just see them losing it. 

Suspenseful: 3
There were suspenseful scenes in the house where they were being hunted. It’s almost like paranoia undoes them the most.

Disturbing: 2.5
The end where they’re in the house because it’s so frantic. Also a woman finds a mangled bag of body parts.

Good 

It felt realistic. If you’re looking to see a movie about insanity and how people spiral out of control, it’s good for that aspect. But if you’re looking for a really horror horror film, that’s not it.

I wrote these film reviews when I was 14. Hire me to draw. -Lillian Schrag

Jaws (1975)

I intend to rate horror movies, and this is more of a suspenseful adventure, however this movie scared me a lot, so it’s only fitting that I rate it as well, because sharks are a very common fear. The first time I watched it, I had to hide behind my fingers!

Any scene with the shark involved—which is basically the whole movie—is suspenseful. And terrifying. I say “involved” because the shark isn’t shown that much, actually. It’s amazing how they manage to not show the shark that much but it’s still so scary. You know there’s a threat there, but you don’t see it. If you can’t determine where the threat is, you can’t run away from it, and you can’t attack it.

I love Hooper so much! I love him! He’s just such a good character. He’s so silly. So cocky. In a good way. It’s pretty funny when you have a doctor or a scientist character who’s a butterfinger. It’s so fun to see the characters interact. The acting was great. The characters are ALL so interesting. To put it bluntly, they all have a lot of character to them. The scene where Brody pours the wine into the glass. Where his kid is imitating his moves. It makes you feel that the movie’s not all about the horror. The family is so sweet. You rarely see couples in movies just goofing around.

When the pages of the shark book are turning in Brody’s glasses. The camera scene on the dock where they’re taking a picture with the tiger shark, I love the way it was composed. As the second part of the movie starts, it was like they were entering into the jaws of the beast and they symbolize that by shooting the boat...through the jaws of the beast. Very good foreshadowing. When Quint told the story of why he doesn’t like life jackets. Then he destroys the radio, so they can’t call for help, just like in the story. When it’s time for life jackets, the way they’re handed out . . .When the boat was at that lifeless angle and you’re just like “Dude you’re gonna diiieee!”

When the heroic music was playing on top of that scene, it was like, “Maybe this isn’t the right track?” But it IS the right track. Normally you wouldn’t have such heroic music for such a gruesome, desperate scene. But Jaws does it. It executes it so well.

When the mayor wouldn’t shut down the beach, it did remind me a lot of people being stupid in the pandemic and not listening to scientific officials. If you ever see a Hooper...listen to him. 

Scary: 3.5

I’m terrified of the ocean now, so yeah. It did scare me. 

Creepy: 2

It wasn’t creepy. It was scary as in it thrilled you, you were looking out for what they were going to do next, but it wasn’t eerie. Except the shots underwater. Those were very creepy. You really felt like, “Is that what my legs look like? Do they just look like pieces of meat for whatever is beneath me swimming?”

Disturbing: 3 

I don’t like bone cracking sounds. They do a great job with the sound effects and physical motions so that you wince every time the characters get hurt, like you can feel it happening to you. When the shark attacks someone and you can still see the clear intestines of its previous victim hanging off its teeth! That was an amazing detail. I loved it.

Suspenseful: 4.5
The music, the underwater shots, the cinematography. The legs in the water. The beach scene where you are thinking, “Who is it going to kill? The guy? The kid? The dog?” When Quint was holding his reel and strapping himself up to the harness thing without saying anything. 

Good: 5
I love the music and the cinematography. When Quint was standing on the boat near the sunset until he is a silhouette. Beautiful. So suspenseful. SO Suspenseful. Thrilling. Very good. It was also really funny at certain times. And I love Hooper!

Very, very good movie. Obviously because it’s a classic, you know? The mayor just paved the way for all the other douchey mayors. Like in Ghostbusters! I don’t know why so many people hated the 2016 remake [of Ghostbusters]. I thought it was really funny. Anyway. 

I wrote these film reviews when I was 14. Hire me to draw. -Lillian Schrag

Suspiria (1977)

Beautifully shot. I love the cinematography and the lighting. They didn’t do the lighting in the typical way. All of the lighting was in colors like red, and blue and green. So yeah, the cinematography and the lighting was genuinely incredible. That’s why the good rating. Plot, really good too. I loved the sets. The gorgeous colored curtains, the scene where Daniel was so helpless in the empty, desolate museum area; you feel as helpless as him. The actors were beautiful. Wonderful music. Absolutely incredible, for the environment. The drums were so scary. There was music in The Witch with booming and chanting that reminded me of that mood. Overall, beautifully shot, beautiful music, just a beautiful film.

Scary: 1. it didn’t fail at being scary. It wasn’t not scary, it just wasn’t scary to me.

Creepy: 2. I thought it was eerie, especially the music, and I was unsettled by the scene with Daniel.

Disturbing: 2.5. It hits you as disturbing, but only in a couple of places where you were grossed out by gore.

Suspenseful: 4.5. It was very suspenseful at certain points. When there was only two minutes left and you weren’t sure she was going to get out, or the scene with the lock and the window.

Good: 5. I love the cinematography, I loved the sets, I loved how pretty all the actors were, a good solid movie. I would give it five yogurt cups just for Jessica Harper’s smile in the rain.

I wrote these film reviews when I was 14. Hire me to draw. -Lillian Schrag

The Shining (1980)

It is tragic how badly Shelley was treated. She was just scarred for life because of how badly she was treated on set, she was isolated, she had to do 137 or something takes with the baseball bat scene, they were just all really mean to her. It was just pretty sad watching it and knowing what went on with her behind the scenes. When you watch a movie you have the ability to think it’s not that bad because they’re just acting . . .but she was . . .well, she wasn’t getting axe murdered, but we were watching what happened to her in real life, not just her acting.

A lot of movies that people characterize as the greatest of all time are just two hours of women suffering, and it’s weird. 

Scary 3

Cause it was scary. The cinematography made it scary. The blood spilling out of the hallway. The red bathroom. The music was really good. It the atmosphere. It wasn’t scary in the sense that I felt something was going to sneak up on me in the middle of the night, but it was scary in the atmosphere that was created with the cinematography and the music combined. I didn’t find the plot scary, I found the atmosphere to be scary. 

Creepy 3

Because of the music. The music really held up the movie. 

Jack’s facial expressions were extravagant. I don’t really think his character was that creepy, because I think if he would have been a nicer person in the beginning, it would have been more creepy to see him spiral. They just kind of made him creepy in the beginning, so it wasn’t like a slow descent into madness. It would have been creepier to see this nice, friendly dad, instead of this douchey dad, descend into madness. When you have a character you can’t sympathize with, you can’t think “Oh what if that happened to my dad?”

First of all, everyone knows The Shining. Everyone knows he’s the villain. But even if no one ever told you, as soon as it started, you would have bene like “Yeah, he’s gonna be the villain.” If it had been a nice regular guy descending, it would have been the hammer to watch a character you can sympathize with descend into madness rather than a character that nobody really likes.

“Wendy, Darling, love of my life, I’m not going to hurt you.” That was creepy.

Disturbing 2

It could have been more disturbing if you were to sympathize with him from the beginning. There was that unprompted naked woman, very disturbing, especially when you’re watching it with your parents! Or when you saw the dead bodies of the little girls flashing, I found the cut to the final scene to be pretty disturbing. 

Suspenseful 4

Very suspenseful. See, that’s the thing. What it doesn’t have in the other categories, it really makes up for it in the suspense. When Shelly Duvall is swatting at him with that baseball bat and you’re like, “Dude, hit him in the head! Stop swinging it in the air!” It’s the kind of suspense that makes you scream at the screen. When he was chasing Danny through the maze, that was suspenseful. And oh god, when she couldn’t get out of the stupid bathroom window!

I would consider it more of a thriller than a horror, honestly. It’s really only considered horror because of the ghosts of the little girls, and the blood coming out of the hallway, and the slight paranormal stuff with the little boy. 

Good 4

It was good yeah it’s a classic. Some parts were a bit uncomfortable. Like the old lady uuuuuuh. But it was a good movie. Points taken away for the racist axe murderer bartender. It’s good because it’s the type of classic to watch and you don’t feel totally underwhelmed. I was a bit underwhelmed in the scare category, but I did feel my heartbeat build because of the atmosphere created by the music and the cinematography. 

I wrote these film reviews when I was 14. Hire me to draw. -Lillian Schrag

The Descent (2005)

I thought the ending was sad. The real ending I mean.

I thought it was genuinely really scary. It probably depends on the person. I’m pretty claustrophobic, so it might not have been scary for you, but I found it scary when she’s stuck in that cavern and couldn’t move because that’s a genuine fear of mine. I’m afraid of caves and spelunking and I think the movie really amplifies that feeling of being alone underground, completely trapped, alone. It makes it even worse that they’re being chased.

Personally, though, I think it may have been even scarier without the monsters. The monsters made it more of an action movie than a terror. Yeah, they were scary! They just made it more of a thriller. They made it suspenseful. The atmosphere by itself, just the sounds of them being chased, was even scarier than when the monsters were on screen. They left some things unexplained. Like the one monster that had hair when none of the rest of them did.

I didn’t expect the cinematography to be so good! You don’t always think of it in a horror movie, but while the movie was scary, the cinematography was also mind-blowing. How it changes, the lighting. The lighting in the beginning was so depressing. It was almost overwhelming how bleak and barren the lighting made it feel. Blue, green, gray, it was very, very dark. And then when they were inside the cave, the lighting was turning into more red, dark, black, yellow. It was very monochrome. It did feel kind of like Suspiria, but darker. Not like a dark story, but as in the lighting was darker. There was the red, green, and yellow from the flares, the glow sticks, and the torches. It was really impressive when they managed to have the only light source be the headlamps.

The one scene where she was crawling up the pile of bones was AMAZING! I loved the cinematography. I didn’t expect it to be so good. It was really impressive how she looked like Carrie at the end. Even though I’ve never seen that movie [yet!], I was able to recognize that! 

And the hospital scene where she’s running through the dark hall. That was also very suspenseful. 

Scary: 4 

It was pretty scary. It was scary because I’m so claustrophobic. I just, uueeehhh. It’s about not being able to get out. Every time I have a nightmare, there’s something about being trapped in a small space. I feel like the scary came from the monsters. It was like oh my god the monsters are chasing them, and their teeth are gross, and they’re blind, but I really feel that what the cave was good at was the creepy category.

Creepy: 5 

I found it very creepy because I’m so claustrophobic. And the music! The way the shrill violin was playing when they got trapped! It was so creepy, it gave me jitters. I felt like it was creepy because, afterwards, you feel like “Oh I’m soooo glad I’m not trapped in a dark cavern like with shrill violins playing while I can’t move my legs because I’m trapped in a dark hole….”

Disturbing: 3.5

It was pretty disturbing because of just how gross it was. I hate broken bones, I couldn’t even watch. I feel like the disturbing category just focuses on gore. Being eaten and ripped apart, that’s gross too, obviously! It was gross. When you think about dying in a cave, you never get a proper burial, no one ever knows where you went, when you think about those poor people who are trapped in there forever alone! So I guess that was pretty disturbing, too, when you think about it. 

Suspenseful: 4

Pretty suspenseful because of the monsters, and when they were trapped in the small space...and oh god when they were climbing across the ceiling? I was like WHEN are they going to get to the other side, I can’t bear to watch this. When the ceiling was crashing while they were stuck? I don’t think I would be able to handle that. I feel like the monsters were so thrilling: the monsters made it thrilling, but the atmosphere made it creepy. Suspense and thrill are good, but overall I want it to SCARE you. It was too actiony with the camera throwing everywhere. The tight spaces were just scarier for me. 

I feel like the jump scares were really good. They really got you. At first they felt cheap, but then you realize, oh this is needed. They make it really thrilling. 

One looming quiet creature with long arms would have been scarier than those growling dogs.

Good: 3.5 

I felt the characters were underdeveloped. The beginning felt slow. The accents were so bad. So it wasn’t the best movie-wise, but cinematography-wise, and claustrophobia-wise, it really got me. The music was also very thrilling. At first you were like “this is overdramatic,” but then you realize it fits. As it goes on, you realize the music was amazing. The music changed when they got into the cave. It went from this swelling orchestra to this one intense violin. I would have given it a little lower rating if it wasn’t for the amazing cinematography and claustrophobic atmosphere. F

or the ending(s)...when a movie ends on a depressing note with no hope, I feel like I wasted my time. I know some people like that, but personally, it’s not for me. For me to invest in all the characters for it to just build up into this, like, drop . . .

I freaking liked Holly! And Juno was hot! Holly was so cool! I loved her hair!

It was like Sarah emerged out of the blood as one of the monsters. At the end, she had this look on her face, like she knew she was going to become one with the cave. It was good. 

I wrote these film reviews when I was 14. Hire me to draw. -Lillian Schrag

Carrie (1976)

Scary 2

But those two points are just because of the scene at the prom. There was this droning sound in the background and the lighting. The main thing that scared me was the groaning sound in the music while she was using her powers. The way her eyes darted back and forth, they just looked so cold and dead. Also I think of it as a horror movie, but I don’t think of it as a scary horror movie. It was entertaining, and good and amazing, but I give it all its scare points for just a couple of scenes. Prom scene and any scene that her mom is in. Otherwise, not really scary at all. 

Disturbing 3

When you think about the consequences of the fire are disturbing when you think about them. You just think about how much nicer her life could have been if she hadn’t had a crazy mom. When you think about how her life might have turned out nice if they just hadn’t dropped that bucket on her! You think about how people in life really are like that. Like bullies.

Carrie realized that her mom was right all along! That makes you feel sick when you realize this awful, demented person was right about what people can be like.

The mom was terrifying. When she turned on Carrie, her expression was very scary. The mom’s general character was really disturbing. Her acting was AMAZING. Both her and the actor who played Carrie were AMAZING. 

Creepy 2.5

Any scene with her mom in it was creepy.

It was creepy when you see that statue of the saint. That’s a weird looking statue. The house was REALLY creepy. It just feels so isolating and sad, to think of your life in that awful hellhole. It just looks so cold and lifeless and empty with just all these religious images everywhere.

Good 4.5

Super sexually deprived religious people always enjoy the sickest things. When she makes a cross with the knife, that’s the most ironic thing Iv’e ever seen. The director made sure you knew about the parallel to the statue by zooming into it super slowly. It was really pretty the final scene with the mom.

When you start out with the really sexualized locker scene and the tacky exercising scense you think it’s going to be this cheap movie but . . .

I took .5 away because the ending was so sad. I hate getting attached to characters just for them to die!

Suspense 5

The scene where you’re waiting for them to drop the bucket of blood on her, and you know its going to happen and she’s so happy and she’s crying. I’ve never been more angry at anything in a movie, I just wanted them to let her be happy! I’m bad with suspense, so I had to pause it over and over, because I just couldn’t take it. It was the best suspense I’ve seen because it was the worst!

I wrote these film reviews when I was 14. Hire me to draw. -Lillian Schrag

The Candyman (2021)

First thing I noticed was the music. The shot with the buildings was so good. I haven’t seen the original for a while, but oh my god when the buildings were upside down and covered with fog with this repetitive instrumental piece it was so eerie and made me feel a little nervous in the stomach. I realized it was gonna be a good movie right when I saw the intro.

I thought the beginning when the things were backwards was really smart because it references a mirror and how everything’s backwards in a mirror. It’s kind of like you were looking in from behind the fourth wall.

I thought the Candyman song being distorted was really creepy. I think that music is very important in movies because it builds the atmosphere. In certain horror movies there’s no music at all, which is also an interesting choice. Auditory effects can change the way the movie makes you feel, that’s why it’s so important. The music throughout the movie stayed persistently good. There wasn’t a moment where it was just background. Even when he was talking to the white lady who was an art critic, despite it being just a small moment with no big significance, they had a good choice in music.

I thought it was really creepy. I overall thought it was very good for a horror movie. Very unnerving. Just gets you clutching the end of your seat. It starts out very strong, with the little boy and just the candyman crawling through the wall. They didn’t have any music! Just him humming, and just a direct shot on him! I thought it was very different and unique because in most horror movies when the villain is about to pounce they have super intense music . . .but it was just super real. It makes you sympathize with the quote unquote villain because the villain has actual motives that you agree with. Most people are like “vengeance doesn’t solve anything” but…..it’s not really vengeance it’s justice when the candyman kills the cops at the end.

I really like the colors, the yellow, the way they did effects with mirrors, the lights, I could go on for hours about the shadow puppets and how creepy they were and how good. The proportions, the sharp features were so creepy and eerie and good.

Scary 4 

By scary I mean, you’re like, the movie makes you feel scared even whe you’re home in perfect safety. That’s what the scary category is for. You are scared to look in mirrors. It has a lasting effect on you. The overall effect was scary, the shadow puppets, with the music when they’re telling the story of Helen was so good. 

Creepy 5

SUPER creepy!
The buildings were SO creepy. The second I saw the opening where everything’s backwards and it was playing the distorted song and I saw the buildings and I knew it would be a good movie. The buildings, the city, I feel like it’s amazing how even though they showed shots of Chicago thriving with life, it felt isolating. The puppets were so eerie, the style that they were drawn in, what the hands that were pulling them visible in the shot, the way the features were drawn. The white eyes on the black background were so creepy in the silhouettes. 

Disturbing 5

It’s disturbing, first of all, it’s gory, because it’s a real life thing and a real issue. It WAS a horror for those people that it happened to. That’s why I think political horror movies are so important. Especially if they’re done right.

Disturbing in the movie when he was picking at his finger and it was falling apart and when he’s thinking about what’s happening to him and he doesn’t know what’s going on. There was enough gore for it to make you turn your head away from the screen. I liked the effects on his face, they looked like honeycomb. 

I thought the overall message was very disturbing because it was real. It was extremely sad. They focus more on this movie than they do in the original Candyman on how these urban legends are brought to life and where they come from, innocent Black people and specifically men and boys who were framed and did nothing wrong, and I thought it was interesting that they came back for vengeance.

Suspenseful 3.5 

Scenes like the bathroom scene with the girls in the bathroom. You don’t see them getting murdered, you just see the blood and hear the screaming. What’s going to happen next to Anthony? What is happening to him? ANd you’re aching to find out. That was suspenseful.

Good 5

It had this really good political message that it gets into your head through horror. Most people say oh you have to be sensitive with this people…..careful with their feelings...but, who cares about your feelings. This stuff actually happened. 

The music, the shadow puppets, the cinematography, the characters, everything about it was good. The way they portrayed the political message through horror was just great. It made you feel I really hope they don’t die, you get really connected to them. They had motivations, made you mourn their loss when they died (mostly). THye make them feel like people instead of flat characters. 

plot

WHne you find out each thing you’re like oh my god, he’s the baby! OH my god, Helen was framed,, each time there was a discovery, you feel immersed in it. It’s not tacky, its like oh my god yes.

They way they continued on the original and focused on a different perspective. The first film was from Helen’s perspective.

I loved that they include the original candyman because he’s so . . .I don’t blame Helen honestly.

I’m juiced out. My train of thought is running empty. 

I can’t wait until it’s available online. 

The image of George Stinney Jr. That really happened. They put you in a room and don’t give you any food or water and freak you out until you confess.

I wrote these film reviews when I was 14. Hire me to draw. -Lillian Schrag

The Wickerman (1973)

Unnerving. At the end of the pagan ritual when he’s burning to death, and he screams out “David,” it’s sooooo scary.

At the end he’s put into a trap that’s shaped like a Wickerman for a sacrifice and as he burns to death the effect is terrifying.

The ending is the most terrifying part. The parade with their terrifying costumes clacking and snapping is super creepy. The folkloric music is super good. 

The sweets in the candy shop look really freaking good and I wanted to eat them while I was watching.

The cult leader is kinda cool, I’m not gonna lie. I like his suits, his dapper style, his hair that sticks out everywhere. I like his energy—hey I guess that’s why he’s a cult leader!

The way they present it is so scary.

NOTE FROM PRESENT DAY: I did not finish the rating!

How would you rate The Original Wickerman?

Give the following categories 0-5 yogurt cups:

Scary

Suspenseful

Disturbing

Creepy

Good

I wrote these film reviews when I was 14. Hire me to draw. -Lillian Schrag

Misery (1990)

I actually kind of want to watch it again. That’s how good it was. I’d consider watching it a couple of days in a row. I thought it was a disturbingly good analysis of people who look really quaint on the outside but are so horrible on the inside that you’re really struck. That’s a real type of person, so I thought Kathy Bates did a really good depiction of that, and so did the writers and directors.

I loved her house. It was so quaint and pleasant with old lady wallpaper with ceramics and the guest bedroom with the beautiful scenery through the window. If you aren’t living with a psychopath, it would be lovely!

While it can be classified as a horror film, it might not keep me up at night . . . well, maybe a little. 

Scary 1.5

Scary is the category that gives you nightmares. It didn’t keep me up at night. Maybe it waas a little bit like “What if I walk past a really sweet person but they’re actually a psychopath?” But it didn’t keep me up at night, which is what the scary category is for. 

Creepy 4

God, Annie Wilkes was so good! Kathy Bates was so phenomenal at acting. It’s creepy because it just nudges you at first. I just imagine being in Paul’s shoes and how awkward it must have been for her to say “I love you, I looove you, you’re the BEST Paul!” At first it’s just a little creepy, just nudging in the back of your brain. Then when she starts screaming and spills the soup, it it’s like, wait, this is really creepy! What’s wrong with her? Does she have like anger issues or something? It’s still nudging at the back of your brain, the feeling of something being horribly wrong here. Then the feeling gets closer and closer. When she screams at him because she doesn’t like his book, that feeling of creepiness starts breaking in on you, because it’s like but she’s so sweet, how could she be so scary? 

Suspenseful 4.5

VERY suspenseful. (5 is Carrie-level suspense, sorry, that’s hard to achieve.) It really keeps your heart racing having Paul cooped up in there with all these plans to get out. I felt so great about myself when I made the correct assumption about the penguin! When he’s picking the lock frantically when she’s coming home. When the sheriff is looking in the house for Paul and he just misses the door, a second too late...I thought it was really well executed keeping you on the edge of your seat the whole film. It was just so good. 

Disturbing 4

The part with his feet, god, that was terrifying. I thought something would happen and she wouldn’t be able to bash his legs in, but she just went through with it! I thought, that can’t happen to this guy and let him be paralyzed, but...she just carried on with it! Also his pain when he keeps falling out of the bed with his swollen feet, that made me feel queasy. The actor who played Paul was amazing. I also thought Paul’s character was amazing. Pretending to love her so that she wouldn’t be mad. Writers are great characters in horror films because they think about these kinds of situations. 

Good 4.5

It was good. I really liked it! A half point gets taken off for being disappointed about how it turns out for one of my favorite characters, that’s my rule! I have a hard time with tragedy, sorry! It goes through the whole movie how loving and teasing the marriage is between the sheriff and his wife. I thought the cinematography was really good. I loved the scenery, it was beautiful. I loved the close ups of the middle aged characters with no make up. It made it seem real. The angles were really good. Like when the sheriff is looking down from the top of the staircase.

The Liberace music, I didn’t know who he was, but then I looked up some videos, and I realized it was there to taunt Paul, because it’s something that little old ladies like a lot. I’m not dissing Liberace, I’m just saying his target audience is not Paul.

I loved the scene with the passing of time at his typewriter The camera angles that spun around him and how the changing flannels showed that time had passed. 

I wrote these film reviews when I was 14. Hire me to draw. -Lillian Schrag